Whether your family just welcomed a baby, or your partner is about to give birth, itโs safe to say that itโs a really exciting time for everyone involved. Infants are snuggly and sweet, they have that classic new-baby scent and bringing home your first child is definitely a little surreal, in a good way!
But at the same time, it can be a hard and overwhelming time -- not knowing how to navigate the waters of new-parenthood, while asking yourself how you can be a better and more supportive spouse.
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As a mom myself, I get it. My husband and I jumped in the deep end, so to speak, when we welcomed our daughter.
Not really being โbaby people,โ we had a lot to figure out. Although people have been raising children pretty much since the dawn of time -- and we are big believers in trial and error -- I still thought itโd be interesting to ask around for advice. I spoke with my husband and my new-mom friends to compile this list.
Here are 16 tips for first-time dads.
1. We understand: You canโt nurse the baby, and thatโs frustrating. Right when you bring your little bundle home from the hospital, your familyโs new routine will involve a LOT of feedings and sleeping (even if the snoozes only come in two-hour increments at first). Your wife has to handle the nursing, if you opt to go that route, and thatโs a huge job for her. So you can start doing everything ELSE -- diaper changes, spit-up duty, baths, bottles if those are in your rotation, etc. Make yourself useful in any OTHER way you can.
2. Let your partner nap. โIf you love someone, let them go,โ the old saying says. But once you become a parent, that turns into, โIf you love someone, let them SLEEP.โ So, any time sheโs able to, let her catch those Zzzs. Between the hormones, her recovery from the actual birth and the new responsibility of being a mom, she is TIRED.
3. In case only one of you is the โnewโ parent, or there are children from a previous marriage involved, keep those kids busy and happy. Make them feel loved and valued even when mom is busy tending to the infant. Same goes with pets! Your partner has enough on her hands. Make sure the dog is walked, fed and cared for.
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4. Keep the kitchen clean, make sure healthy snacks are stocked and stay on top of meals. If your wife is nursing, she needs fuel. Heck, even if she isnโt nursing, she needs fuel!
But keep her water bottle and stomach full either way. Itโs easy to focus on baby-baby-baby all day, and then suddenly, itโs 7 p.m. and your wife hasnโt eaten anything other than a handful of Cheetos. Not only could her milk supply take a hit, but sheโs going to be seriously hangry, if thatโs the case.
Nursing makes your appetite go crazy in many cases. Be proactive for her when it comes to food! She will seriously appreciate it.
5. Help manage visitors. Keep up on your texts, along with her texts if sheโd like, and let friends and family know when you guys are able to host company. Encourage hand-washing if people are going to hold the baby, politely know how to wrap up the visit after an hour or so, and donโt be afraid to say the word โno.โ
Sometimes, itโs just not a great day for visitors, and your loved ones will understand.
6. Hang out with the baby. Even if you donโt know what youโre doing, just dive in. Read to him, rock her, make silly faces, or learn how to use your baby carrier or wrap, if you have one. Infants donโt need much at first. And they love the sound of your voice. Get chatting! Even if itโs just about the NBA game from the night before, or youโre narrating your evening.
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7. Keep yourself busy. Help clear the kitchen counters, keep the breast pump parts organized and washed (this was huge in our house), make the calls to your insurance company to ensure the baby is added to your plan, help your wife sort out any FMLA paperwork, offer to assist with doling out medications -- even if itโs just the babyโs Vitamin D droplets or your wifeโs prescriptions from the hospital.
8. Talk to your partner about non-baby-related topics, because infants can be all-consuming at first. Sometimes itโs hard to remember who you were before this tiny, screaming bundle entered your world.
Where would she like to go on your first date, post-baby (even if thatโll be months from now?) Whatโs her take on the latest political situation? What has she been watching on Netflix without you?
Sometimes it feels good to discuss things other than the consistency of your kidโs โฆ latest mess. Iโll just say that.
9. Read the baby books. Or at least, a baby book.
โThe Happiest Baby on the Blockโ by Harvey Karp will make your life with a newborn about a million times easier once you learn those five Sโs, so do yourself a favor and start with that one. If you want to save some time (or cut corners, really), you can even look up the book on YouTube and see how the Sโs are done, on video. You will impress your wife big time once you nail that tight swaddle.
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10. Text the families some baby pictures.
Because theyโre definitely blowing up your wifeโs phone, asking for more, more, more. Time for you to take on photo duty!
11. Be prepared and willing to run any and all errands. Just say yes and then look up whatever your wife is requesting once youโre in the car.
Some tips: Fenugreek is sold over the counter at most Walgreens/CVS-type drug stores (and itโs known to help with milk production). Ice cream is always appreciated. You can buy coconut oil at the grocery store (which cures a lot of weird-newborn-skin issues, like cradle cap). And Desitin is a miracle product for diaper rash.
Youโre welcome!
12. Have patience, and display patience, whenever possible.
You both are running on a not-ideal amount of sleep, so give each other some grace.
13. Donโt jump to solve the problem every time something little comes up. Yes, I realize thatโs what guys sometimes do (at least, the men in my life). But when your partner has a question, or a concern, just hear her out first. And really listen.
Tell her sheโs doing a wonderful job and thereโs no one else youโd rather parent with, and then take it from there. (If itโs a BIG issue, obviously call your doctor and problem-solve away. But if itโs, โI wonder why the babyโs not napping as well this afternoon,โ then take my advice).
14. Actively offer to make her life easier. Donโt be one of those โlet me know if you need anythingโ guys. Youโre the dad. Moms often feel a great responsibility to do EVERYTHING, even months or years after the baby is born. So, rather than wait for her cues, take it upon yourself to be all, โWhy donโt you take an hour for yourself -- maybe a hot shower and curl up with a book?โ (And then donโt bug her while sheโs in there!) Or, โHow about a walk?โ You could even offer to join her for the stroll, if you have a relative in the area who wouldnโt mind hanging out with a napping baby for 45 minutes.
Encourage her to get that โmeโ time.
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15. When you chip in and carry your load, donโt call it babysitting, or act like youโre doing your partner a favor. Raising a child is a shared responsibility. Youโre parenting. Remember, words become attitudes.
Bonus item:
Keep an open mind. Donโt put a timeline on her recovery, or expect her to snap back to her pre-baby priorities in six to eight weeks. Donโt remind her of things she said before the baby arrived -- โIโll be back in the gym in no time; Iโll never give the baby formula; Iโd never let my baby be in the same room as a TV.โ Whatever she wants to do, within reason of course, SUPPORT her.
Good luck out there!
This was first published in 2017. It has since been updated.